Before and After – Healing from Depression
Healing From Depression
Healing from depression can be a lot like home renovation shows. I love watching HGTV and seeing homes renovated. The “before” and “after” scenes are amazing! And when I see the finished project, I let out gasps of astonishment! So, when my husband, Mark, and I purchased a 100-year-old house for a rental property, I knew it was a perfect “before” just waiting for an amazing “after.”
A week after our builder began working, I walked in ready to be astonished. I was disappointed. It didn’t look much different. There were new pipes and conduit running under the floorboards in the basement. Yet, these necessary improvements were far from the exciting changes shown on TV.
A week later, it wasn’t better. In fact, it was a mess. There was a wall being torn down and some flooring coming up. It would still be months before the transformation would be complete. I was impatient and had to remind myself that on TV, the producers edit and fast forward, so that we, the viewers, can see the complete renovation in sixty minutes.
The “Becoming”
This got me thinking about the times I have wanted to fast forward my life. I am writing a book right now, about my experiences with chronic depression and anxiety and my journey from illness to wellness. Kind of a “before” and “after” story, if you will. It is tricky to write, since healing is fluid and has setbacks, and the “after” is not one grandiose end, but comes in stages.
When I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalize Anxiety Disorder I was overwhelmed, and I was a mess. I felt lost, and scared. So, I did what I have always done and prayed to God for strength and direction.
I soon realized that when it comes to healing, God is not so much interested in our “before” or how quickly we come to an “after” as He is in our actual “becoming.” God is patient, merciful, and wise. He is not looking for any “fast forward” buttons. Thank heavens, because as I know for myself it takes time to get all the wires straight, the mold out, and new walls framed in.
Healing From Depression Isn’t a Straight Line
I discovered as I was reading some verses in the book Doctrine and Covenants, sec. 84 vs. 88, that when God talks about “before,” He says: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
I needed bearing up! My healing from depression was not always a pretty sight. There were times when I was too sick to even get out of bed. And I desperately needed to be validated with how horrible of an illness depression really is. I wanted to know that I was not the only one who Googles at 3:00 in the morning. “Why does God hate me?” “Why should I go on?” “I don’t think anyone cares.”
Finding the “Yay” Moments
Yet, miraculously, it is the pain that carved out an opening in my soul for renovations to happen, and for hope, faith and love to be invited in. God had answered my prayers and I found a good doctor and therapist. As I followed their counsel, I began to see small improvements. Light began to overpower the darkness and I could see what I like to call “Yay for me” moments.
“Yay for me, I made three phone calls.”
“Yay for me, I went to my doctor appointment.”
“Yay for me, I felt stronger today.”
“Yay for me, I made dinner.”
You too can have “Yay for me” moments as you go through hardships in your life.
Getting Closer to The “After”
My experience with depression was that as I had grown closer to the “after” stage, a ceiling rafter would fall down and it send me back to where I had been “before.” Yet really, I was not back at the “before” I was in the “becoming,” and was moving forward. God recognized my efforts and my growth and let out gasps of love and approval that calmed my heart. I saw God’s angels round about me as I received a timely phone call of encouragement from my mom and as my friend Pam gave me a book that taught me some important concepts about wellness. I realized that it was wise to reach out to others for help.
What is astonishing about a healing story is not the “before” or the “after” but the “between.” It is in the messy wires, rusted pipes and walls coming down that I was aquatinted with God and learned to trust Him – that He is there and blesses me. I began to see hardships as challenges and not curses. I learned things such as patience, courage and empathy. It was when I let go of my desire for a fast forward button, I witnessed the miracle of healing.
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Love being non this journey with you! You are an inspiration to me–glad to call you friend.
Thanks Beverly!
Beautiful. I was really touched when you said:
Yet, miraculously, it is the pain that carved out an opening in my soul for renovations to happen, and for hope, faith and love to be invited in.”
I fear pain and anguish, heartache and trial of course. But I have a recognition that these things also rewire us in ways that can’t happen otherwise.
Thank you for your post
Thank you for this comment. I so appreciate your support!
Great insights! I really think it is important not to focus on the end result as much as the process of becoming. All those small victories and occasional setbacks make us who we are.
Exactly – Thanks.
Thank you, for your vulnerability, your journey, and your willingness to share.
Thanks Erick
Your support has really encouraged me. Thanks
“Yet, miraculously, it is the pain that carved out an opening in my soul for renovations to happen, and for hope, faith and love to be invited in.”—I love this idea! I read a similar idea somewhere once that said “the cracks are what let the light in.”
I will also hold tight to the truth you mentioned about how setbacks aren’t really sending us back to the beginning, they’re part of becoming…part of the messy middle.
Thank you for sharing and inspiring me today!
Thanks Heather
Thank you.
Thanks for your comment and support
I love the comparison to home renovation. It’s true that are no quick fixes in this life- becoming is a process. Thank you for sharing these wonderful insights!
I’m so happy to know about your blog! Much of your story hits close to home and I look forward to your continued posts!
I think your using the fixer upper is fabulous! We all want instant results. I love that you have been about to share your experience because you have always appeared to have it all together. I appreciate your talking about the “between”. You make us all feel like we can also move forward.
I just wanted you to know that I so appreciate your comment and support. Thanks!
Thank you!
I love this analogy! Also the value of taking those wins wherever we can get them. What we focus on grows. “Yay me, I took a shower is more powerful” than negative self-talk.
Elaine I am so happy for your healing and certain your book will be a wonderful resource for others going through the same illness or even those who suffer with a conditional depression. ❤
What a journey it has been, and will continue to be, for you! I have a son with a mental illness and understand the impact it has on his every thought and the impact it can have on relationships. Your book will be of great benefit to those who share similar challenges and those who live or love someone with mental illness.
Absolutely written subject matter, Really enjoyed examining. Ally Egor Joanna
Thank you for your kind comment
Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic post. Much thanks again. Orly Linn Dewie
Thank you for your kind comment.
Elaine: You have shared your real and candid story about depression that few can or are willing to share — for a myriad of reasons. Your courage is not only admirable, but because of your gift for writing, you take us along, side by side, on your journey so we get rare insights of this debilitating condition. We all want to sprint to the finish and “get over” our problems, but as you have so beautifully explained, it takes patience, time, steps forward and steps backward, as well as divine inspiration and intervention. Thank you for who are and helping me and others understand what you are gong through.